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Guilt-free Giving
If you read my last post, you know that I am on a self-imposed mission to answer 3 questions that my infinitely curious mind dredged up last week.
If you haven’t read it, the questions were:
1. What is it about organized charitable events, activities and the organizations themselves that draws us in and makes us want to give of ourselves?
2. Is it possible to keep up the momentum of giving all year-long and feel good about it?
3. Why do we feel guilty when we don’t give and how can we avoid that?
Let’s not tackle them all in one blog. Three questions; three posts;three days.
I gave you my thoughts on question number two, first. Today, I’d like to get rid of the guilt. Here’s my take on how to be giving but be guilt free when you don’t.
First of all, if you are still reading this I am going to guess you fall in to one of two groups of altruistic people.
Group A are already givers. They do things for others, probably naturally, and like to feel helpful. Doing for and giving to others helps to define the Group A individual’s self-image, self-worth and/or self-esteem in some way.
Group B are not givers, but recognize the value that others do by giving in service or monetary donations. Members of Group B may feel they have a demanding job or home-life or a very tight budget that prevents them from doing or giving.
There is a third group.
Group C more than likely read the title and said “I’ll pass.” Group C members see things in black and white and do not perceive a need to give of themselves. To the person in this group, it is a foreign concept to donate time, money, or talent for the sake of anyone but themselves or their closest contacts. They either do not feel a responsibility toward the well-being of others or do not feel they have anything worthwhile to contribute.
This is the point where I would usually paste information from a good article to back me up on my thoughts. I should list some clinical research that I have done or read to validate my theories. I’m not. I define these groups based on my long-term observation of others. Although there may be people who overlap or do not seem to fit into one category completely, I feel that most people fit these descriptions overall.
Here’s my theory on why Group A and Group B feel guilt.
Group A feels guilty because they are never going to feel that they have given enough. Since they are already givers, by nature they want to help as many causes as much as they can. The guilt comes from not having the means(i.e. time or money) to do so when the opportunity presents itself.
Group B feels guilty because they feel they could give and might like to, but have chosen not to do so. There are many reasons for this including a lack of connection to a cause, being stuck in the same routine or any of the little things that often comes up in life and gives us reason to make an excuse.
(Group C- feels no guilt. They only do what they want, when they want as a rule. Not too many people or ideas would cause feelings of guilt for those in this group.)
Do you want to know how I think you can fix the guilt reaction when someone asks you to give your valuable time or hard-earned money or lend your crafted skills and you say no?
Here it is.
Be like Group C.
What? (<—that’s you;I heard it.) Listen now, though. I am not saying to quit giving or to never start. What I am suggesting is that you understand yourself. *Know what you want to give and when you are willing and able to give.*
Look at the first suggestion from the list on my Giving is Good blog:
- Define your intent.
Do you intend to give time, money, or talent? Advocate, donate or volunteer?
If you know what ways of giving interest you, then you won’t feel guilty when you choose to say no. If you are asked to do something you never intended to do anyway, you give yourself a valid ‘out’. This doesn’t mean you can’t choose to say yes if a new option resonates with you.
Now, let’s look at my second suggestion:
- Create your boundary.
We are all busy and on a budget. How much can you consistently give without feeling overwhelmed, but while staying connected?
For example, you have seriously looked at giving up the extra latte’s so you can donate a more/extra money, or decided to give four hours on a Saturday every month as a volunteer. Don’t feel guilty then, when someone asks you to do something that falls outside of your boundary. Again, if you want to say yes to something extra, then I say, “Good going!” But, if you know how much you are able and willing to give, there is no need to feel guilty if or when you say no. Even if there is a line of people watching you say no to buying the paper cutout at the register.
In the end, I think that guilt is the struggle between what we want to/need to do for ourselves and what we perceive others want or need us to do. There will always be those struggles in our life, but defining your own intent and creating your boundaries will help you let go of guilty feelings.
Simply put- Guilt-free giving is when you give with your heart, knowing what you want to give and when you want to give it.
Giving for Good
The Chilean miners were rescued, the Day of Giving is over and the Big Ben suspension has ended. For the most part everyone is now disconnected from all three. We’ve moved on. It’s funny how we do that. We follow the story, wait for the outcome and then forget about it. Sure, our memory retains a piece of it for history’s sake. But after the climax, the feelings subside.
I have to say, I am feeling a bit of a let down now that my involvement in the Day of Giving and a few other projects I have worked with have finished. It’s as if the switch got turned to “off” and now I am listless. I miss the intensity and passion that comes from feeling needed, doing something good, and being connected to others.
This week I heard the morning radio Freakshow on Kiss 96.1 FM talking about how tip jars have sprung up just about everywhere. The general sentiment from callers and hosts, Mikey and Big Bob was that it has gone over the top and become irritating to feel you have to leave money in places that maybe shouldn’t be asking in the first place. Good point.
A discussion between the hosts followed. They presented the idea that the shaped paper donation wall hangers(like those shamrocks and shoes) for which stores ask you to donate to a cause, in exchange for signing your name on it (so that everyone can see) makes people feel guilty when they don’t give. Another good point.
My curious nature led me to wonder three things:
1. What is it about organized charitable events, activities and the organizations themselves that draws us in and makes us want to give of ourselves?
2. Is it possible to keep up the momentum of giving all year-long and feel good about it?
3. Why do we feel guilty when we don’t give and how can we avoid that?
Let’s not tackle them all in one blog. Three questions; three posts;three days.
I will start with number two, first. I don’t always answer my thoughts in the order I have them.
2. Is it possible to keep up the momentum of giving all year-long and feel good about it?
Yes. It takes a little insight into yourself. The reward of staying connected is that you will feel good about what you are doing. It doesn’t have to be about money.
Just about everyone in my social circle advocates or does fundraisers for a certain cause. I enjoy a car show, bike run, pledge walk/run, fund-raising party, et cetera especially when it is for a good cause. Most of my family and friends are involved in something at least once a year. When it’s over though, it’s over. What if we could take that commitment and follow it through all the time? Wouldn’t everyone benefit from that?
In the August 2010 issue of “The Voice,” a publication of the National Alliance of Mental Illness, a SWPA volunteer is spotlighted and gives her impression on why giving her time is a good thing for her.
“Volunteering gives me a rewarding outlet for
focusing my efforts outward rather than inward, and giving
back to others makes me feel more positive and hopeful.”- Carol Kirk
It is a three-fold win when we donate in some way. We win because it keeps us connected to others and maybe makes us feel better about ourselves. The cause we choose to donate to wins because they gain resources of some kind. The people that the cause supports win when the organization can provide what it sought to give.
Here are my ideas for simple ways to Create a Habit of Giving that can last throughout the year..or a lifetime.
- Define your intent.
Do you intend to give time, money, or talent? Advocate, donate or volunteer?
- Create your boundary.
We are all busy and on a budget. How much can you consistently give without feeling overwhelmed, but while staying connected?
- Find your connection.
What events have happened in your life that might bring you to a cause that you care about? Do you want to choose a new cause each month and participate in a local event? Maybe you want to keep your eyes open to the community in which you live and get involved in local needs.
- Research the possibilities.
Talk to people in your communities, both in your neighborhood and your online ones for suggestions on organizations that help your chosen cause. Google it. Don’t just search people on FB/Twitter- look for groups and organizations.
- Get excited about helping others.
This will motivate you to keep up the habit. Your cause will appreciate it. It really does take a village. Be part of the solution. (oh, so cliche..I know)
When you read about why people do good works, there is always an intense level of energy and passion about it. I have a theory that people continue their involvement with giving because it increases serotonin/endorphin levels in the brain, producing a natural “high”. Therefore, being motivated to volunteer and donate throughout the year could actually benefit health and overall well-being.
It’s like anything else, though. You have to get started and you have to make time. It really is worth it.
- Go Out(or stay in and online) and Do it!
Advocate by spreading the message. Using social media for your chosen cause is a quick and easy way to stay connected all year. It also provides a way to keep informed on need and events without taking up too much time. Donate money in whatever amount you can afford. Share your talents and time with others by volunteering on a regular basis. Attend events that pop up around our area for those in need. Join an online movement that promotes their ideas for giving and seeks volunteers.
I’ll even help you get started with a short list of sites and a few upcoming events that might get you connected.
The Pittsburgh Foundation helps connect people to information and links to locally based nonprofit organizations at the PittsburghGives website
Become a Secret Agent for Random Acts of Kindness doing missions that concentrate on spending five dollars or less: Secret Agent L
Like to write and send positive messages of encouragement? This no cost movement is spreading kind words and thoughts to those in need: It Starts with Us
Want to just simply help others and believe we should “pay it forward” to one another: HelpOthers.org
Upcoming events in the Pittsburgh area:
ReddUp ThreadUp is asking for men’s and women’s clothing donations for the event being held on November 6,2010. Donations are being accepted in the week leading up to the fundraiser. More info @ http://www.reddupthreadup.com/
Ti Kanaval, a nonprofit organization benefiting Haitian orphans, is hosting an event on November 13 from 6 pm-9 pm at Whim Nightclub to raise funds for an orphanage in Port Au Prince, Haiti. Fun, food and Freakshow dj’s will be on hand. More info @
Interesting article on The Feel Good Hormone
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/2048
National Alliance for Mental Illness (SWPA) http://www.namiswpa.org/content/index.php
There are so many more resources. Check your local phone book, newspaper, churches and websites. Someone is waiting for you to help in whatever way you can.
Simply put- Once you stay motivated to make a habit of giving for good, it will be a habit to feel good about yourself for giving…and the world around you might be a happier place.
